Men love to claim that women never say what they mean.
That they need to channel their inner Sherlock Holmes to truly understand what they want.
I’d say it’s the opposite.
More so than women, it’s men that struggle with communicating how they feel and what they want. That’s why you may be so taken aback when you discover (or are led to believe) that your husband’s feelings towards you have changed.
Just recently you may have enjoyed beautiful moments together, laughed together, cooked together, and have been intimate. Yet almost out of the blue, he drops the bomb and you’re left wondering why my husband doesn’t love me anymore.
So what does all this mean and how can you respond and move forward effectively?
Let’s dive into what that means by examining how a few scenarios played out with clients of mine. By cracking these real-life situations open and understanding why they happened you’ll gain valuable insight into your own relationship. This insight can inform how you move forward.
To be clear, the following clients didn’t have their husbands explicitly tell them they don’t love them anymore. However, what they did witness was their husbands being extremely confused and making odd decisions as a consequence.
Let’s examine these situations to find parallels in your relationship and show you how to respond to them and move forward.
Let’s start to read between the lines by taking a look at a story my client raised just a couple of weeks ago.
A client recently told me that she and her husband weren’t clicking and that they hadn’t been for a while now. They used to connect with ease, talk about anything, and were close emotionally and physically.
But as of late that hasn’t been the case.
Lately, she’s also noticed a strange new habit of his, one that has been a thorn in their relationship.
Her husband has been purchasing an inordinate amount of candy for their children.
Every day is Halloween for their children.
Just about every time he goes out, he comes back with candy.
She doesn’t get it.
Not only is candy bad for their children but with the amount he’s buying it’s actually becoming a financial burden. Naturally, she’s annoyed that he’s turned into Willy Wonka and has raised her concerns. The distance she’s experienced recently has been compounded by this new issue.
Had this been an issue earlier in the relationship they might have been able to talk about it. But instead of having conversations, they’ve had arguments that are quick to escalate.
Like the tension you’re experiencing with your husband, this tension is confusing. She’s struggling to understand this bad habit.
To better understand, let’s remember that he’s attempting to create a positive experience. From her standpoint, it all looks negative, but from his, it’s a positive experience.
But to see the positive she needs to get her ego in check and see things from her perspective. Now I know the gut reaction is to lash out and argue her side.
That’s natural.
But if she really wants to make progress she must put her ego in check and understand why he’s doing this.
Let’s imagine a likely scenario.
He’s struggling at work, is also spending far too much time away from his family and hobbies due to work, and feels insignificant.
To deal with the latter he sees buying candy for his children as a quick fix.
He buys them sweets, eats this candy with them, and as a happy consequence is the father of the year. This is his solution to spending so much time away from his children.
But in order to see this my client needs to put down her weapons and listen. Like you, she must realize that perhaps her husband’s actions aren’t rational, but he does them to address needs that aren’t being met.
And yes, you may feel used and cheated as he seeks to gratify these needs. But that doesn’t mean the relationship is over or that he doesn’t love you.
It means that an open conversation must be had.
So be willing to listen and empathize no matter how difficult that may seem.
A 2019 Pew Research study found that couples that are financially sound are also in sound relationships. Some studies even suggest that 54% of relationships end due to issues surrounding money.
So it may be no surprise that another one of my clients recently came to me to discuss a new issue that arose with his husband.
He was frustrated that his wife didn’t invest more in her career. He felt she should be earning more money. She countered that she’d prefer to invest in the family rather than spend more hours in the office.
This caused tension.
She wanted a work-life balance but he’d be frustrated they weren’t making enough to be financially sound.
Her intention is beautiful. She wants to spend as much time with her children and family as possible. We can also look at her husband and say he’s too worried about making money.
But we need to understand that everyone has their own reasoning. Money is a major reason why relationships end.
Refusing to understand her partner’s perspective will only compound the issue.
It could be that he’s so focused on making money because he cares deeply about the wellbeing of the family. Once the family is making enough, then he’ll start to enjoy his children and wife more instead of being worried about money.
If his feelings towards the relationship change as a consequence of this financial unease, you may be left wondering why my husband doesn’t love me anymore. But the reality is that the love is there, but it’s been marred by worry. In this scenario, the husband is seeing his wife as more of an obstacle rather than a partner.
It’s interesting because the values seem to align, however they have a different way of manifesting themselves. Over time, should he continue to believe they don’t align, he may opt to end the relationship.
Despite the love being there you’ll be left thinking my husband doesn’t love me anymore because of this clash.
It’s not that he doesn’t still love you.
If he says this what he really may be saying is, “our values don’t align” or “there’s been so much tension, it’s difficult for me to invest in this relationship further.” He loved you in the beginning, but life has gotten in the way. It’s created a haze of sorts that makes seeing and feeling that love difficult.
So instead of continuing on with this relationship, he says he doesn’t love you.
In truth, his perception of you has changed. Instead of seeing you as a partner, he views you as an obstacle. The love is there, it’s just been suffocated and needs air to breathe once again.
I understand how you may read this article and feel as though this is all your fault.
That’s not at all what I’m saying.
The thing is there’s little that is achieved by complaining about his actions. The only thing you can do is make sure your emotions and logic are in check. That’s why I always urge my clients to be mindful of their actions, and words, and to be willing to take that courageous step of having empathy for their husbands.
If I were talking to your husband I would tell him the same thing – but I’m not.
I don’t have his ear, I have yours.
That’s why I put the responsibility to change the trajectory of the relationship squarely on your shoulders. It doesn’t matter if you have the moral ground, if he cheated, or if he hasn’t been investing in the relationship.
The only thing you can do is control your own actions.
Acknowledging this and applying this will save you the energy that you would have spent willing your husband to act differently. Doing so will put you on the best possible path you can take toward improving your relationship if that’s what you truly desire.
It’s difficult applying what I talk about in this article to your relationship.
Sure you have the broad strokes but to apply what I talk about in a meaningful way you must get more granular.
In my program, the Authentic Relationships System we break down the steps you need to take to heal, to understand male psychology, and to repair your relationship.
Through support via our online community of women going through what you’re going through, classes, and an online curriculum I’ll show you how to move forward with grace and get what you want in your romantic life.
I’d love to learn more about you and your journey via a 1-on-1 call. During our call, we’ll talk about your relationship, goals, and how we can help you achieve them.