Something delightfully strange has been happening recently.
Client after client has shared with me the same good news.
After a separation, their husbands now want to rejoin their lives and get back together.
It’s odd though.
Why after all the heartbreak and turmoil of a separation would a partner want to now repair a bridge they had nearly burnt to the ground?
This got me thinking, why do men always come back?
His 180 can leave you feeling more than a little confused.
After he ended things, why is he now the one running back to you?
In this article, we’ll try to make sense of male psychology and explain his rationale for wanting to get back togeher. We’ll also detail how you should respond after his abrupt change of heart.
Men aren’t from Mars and women aren’t from Venus.
It may seem like we’re extraterrestrial at times, but men really aren’t that difficult to understand, and in fact share many of the same hopes, fears, and inclinations as women.
One of those similarities is the ability to over and undervalue a relationship depending on the context.
Think about when you first got together with your long-term partner.
How did you feel?
Chances are you were happier than a kid when his parents leave them alone for the first time.
The early stages of a romantic relationship are always the most emotional, while after time our affection cools even if we still love our partners.
This is because every relationship goes through stages.
The normal cycle of any healthy relationship looks a bit like this:
Initially, your brain has been hijacked by dopamine and serotonin (the happiness neurotransmitters). But as time goes by those infatuation chemicals are produced less as attachment chemicals like oxytocin vasopressin are released in greater quantities.
This change in brain chemistry can be confusing.
It can lead him to undervalue what he has and overvalue what he doesn’t.
It’s this mentality of the grass is always greener on the other side that leads him to look elsewhere for those same feelings he felt in the early stages of a relationship.
We have a habit of confusing infatuation with love. Believing that once the infatuation ends the love is gone.
In reality, we should think the opposite.
Infatuation is fleeting. The long-term attachment and deep, steady feelings we have for another is what love should feel like, not the manic feelings we initially feel for someone.
But not all men know this or are willing to accept this new reality.
Understanding brain chemistry when we’re in love can give us a much more realistic expectation of what we should expect of a long-term relationship.
Each and every one of us has needs that must be met.
While men and women may have different needs, in general, they align.
For example, both men and women yearn for consistency, it’s for this reason we are all creatures of habit that stick to routines.
We desire professional, emotionally, romantic, and financial stability.
We need to feel safe in order to be happy and bond with others.
The second need that men and women need to have men is that of significance. We both desire to feel special and respected. Men place great value in being needed, so much so that if their partner isn’t filling this need they’ll look elsewhere to fill the void.
This is because in addition to being loved, men yearn to feel special.
The moment he stops feeling special his sense of self-worth will start to diminish and he’ll look elsewhere to satisfy this urge.
Men in particular have a need for variety.
If our lives become too grey we’ll look for color elsewhere.
This goes for a relationship as well for non-romantic aspects of our lives.
If we don’t get that splash of variety and novelty in our day-to-day lives we’ll gravitate towards environments that provide that bit of spice that our bland life needs.
If these three needs aren’t being met, men can look to newer pastures to fulfill their needs.
Even if significance and consistency are there, men may look elsewhere if there isn’t enough variety in their life. To ensure men don’t stray both parties need to nurture the relationship and be mindful of fulfilling each other’s needs.
Why do men always come back has a lot to do with how their former partner responds.
After a breakup females generally do one of two things.
One reaction entails depression, regrettable decisions, and a form of paralysis.
This is a completely understandable response. Your life has just been uprooted, your partner has left, and it feels like the apocalypse has started.
But there’s another way to respond. One that leaves space for sadness and fear, but also presents an opportunity for growth.
When one relationship dies it leaves space for another one to grow.
A recently departed husband gives you a chance to reconnect with yourself and dedicate yourself to doing what makes you happy.
Use the opportunity to grow and become the best version of yourself.
Over time your ex will note the change and regret what they’ve done.
Men always think the sun shines brighter elsewhere. This is just as true as before he left then it is after he left.
Time after time men realize their mistakes only after they’ve ended a relationship.
So they see the changes, value their exes more, and see the environment they left for what it is; an oasis.
After seeing how you’ve changed they then do everything in their power to right their wrongs.
It’s tempting to welcome him back into your home the moment he expresses an interest in returning.
But should you?
That all depends on if his change is genuine.
Here are the three things to keep in mind when determining whether or not to reintegrate him into your life.
They’ve voiced their desire to return.
They’ve apologized profusely, understand what they did wrong, and now want to come home.
Are they serious about this change, or will they stay only to leave again in six months?
You’ll never be certain of how they’ll behave. One way to put your mind at ease is if he takes multiple steps to remedy the situation.
It’s easy to whimsically show up at your ex-partner’s house and beg for forgiveness. What’s not easy is making a long-term concerted effort to heal.
Make sure their feelings aren’t fleeting by requiring incremental action.
Note consistent deposits in the emotional bank.
Pair your logical assessment with your instinct.
There is science behind your intuition. That gut feeling is really a pool of neurotransmitters telling you how to feel.
Listen to what your body is telling you.
Allow your subconscious to play a role in your next decision.
It’s okay if your subconscious and conscious urges conflict.
However, if one is saying stay with him and the other tells you to leave him, compromise and at least give him the opportunity to make things right.
It’s perfectly normal to be unsure of the best path forward.
Why does he want to restart the relationship?
Is he genuinely into you or does he just need your relationship to stroke his ego?
If he has narcissistic tendencies and sees you’re able to live your life without him, he may try to find his way back to you. If so this urge is an unhealthy one, and one that won’t last. The second he’s with you again he’ll look elsewhere to satisfy his urges once again.
You may feel as though he loves you, but he just wants control. Once that need for control has been filled he’ll tire of the relationship and the cycle of leaving before crawling back again will perpetuate.
The best way to understand his intentions is to view his actions for what they are and have in-depth and honest conversations with him.
Understanding why do men always come back and figuring out what the next step is can be incredibly difficult.
The more emotional the environment the more difficult the decision becomes.
I’m here to give you an objective examination of your relationship while providing you with the skills you need to understand his actions and win back your self-esteem.
My hybrid program is comprised of 1-on-1 conversations as well as a video curriculum. Via a 1-on-1 chat, I’d like to learn more about your relationship and determine if my program and community are a good fit for you.
I Promise it will be worth your while!