2023 is the year that we accomplish all our hopes and dreams.
You must love that new year cheer and optimism.
It’s why so many of us make and believe we’ll accomplish our new year’s resolutions (only for most to end by February 14th).
But while others are resolving to lose weight or quit smoking your resolution may look a bit different.
You’re here because you want to learn how to save a marriage after cheating. You’re 2023 resolution isn’t about running a marathon or learning a new language.
It’s about saving your marriage.
Use that new year momentum to begin this journey in the most impactful way possible – by creating an internal shift.
But so many women I know refuse to look inward.
Instead of introspecting they focus on quick and easy external shifts.
When women that have suffered unfaithfulness in their marriage first come to me, they cite wanting to change these three things thinking they will save their marriage.
You can never knock the importance of communication. Any and all self-help books will tell you that foundation is the key to a loving and lasting marriage.
I’d agree, but communication shouldn’t be what you’re after at this moment.
You’re probably thinking, “If I could just sit him down and have an in-depth talk with him we can figure this out.”
But what if you nor he are ready to talk? What if the real problem is below the surface and can’t be solved by a quick or in-depth talk with your partner?
Of course, communication is vital and I’m in no way advocating severing ties. What I am saying is that there are more important things to focus on which we’ll discuss later.
You’ve had an amazing relationship in the past and want things to go back to how they once were. It’s natural that you yearn for the good ol’ days.
But racking your brain for ways to make him content in your marriage isn’t he way.
Perhaps he cheated because there’s just something you couldn’t offer him that another woman could. It could be that he loves you dearly, is hurting himself, and that he’s even happy in the relationship.
That’s right, even happy people cheat in loving marriages.
The truth is, you can’t make one minor (or big) change and have things go back to how they were.
You can’t try to change things up in the bedroom, watch more Sunday football, or take more vacations together and hope these will fix deeper issues in your marriage.
Maybe you’re thinking, “If I could get him to consider the family, me, the life we’ve built he’ll stay.”
That if you could just be better, talk to him, shower him with love, show him what he has, etc. he’ll stay and be happy.
It’s a good thought.
It’s sensible, but time and time again women have come to me with this aim and have failed.
This is tantamount to throwing a bandaid on the problem.
The only thing you truly have the power to change is yourself.
Not him, not your family dynamic, not your children, but yourself.
Sure you can influence the aforementioned, but at the end of the day, they’ll do what they want. The only person you have complete control over is yourself.
The most powerful thing you can control is your emotional reaction. You can behave as though the world is ending and make rash decisions or control your emotions so you make wise choices.
One way we tend to let out emotions get out of control is by catastrophizing events. Catastrophizing is when we use hyperbolic and dramatic language that compounds our negative feelings.
Instead of speaking factually and objectively about a situation we as humans tend to paint things in the worst or best possible light. Even in our day-to-day lives we tend to use words like love and hate even when they don’t accurately describe how we feel about something (e.g. I love that show, I hate that person).
Catastrophizing is in no way helpful.
It makes us more anxious, paints an unrealistic picture of the world, and leads us to make horrible decisions.
Decatasrophize by looking at things from a distance. That means taking a breath and a step back and stating in a factual manner the situation.
My husband cheated, hurt my trust, and now I don’t know what to do.
Stating the truest statement possible without stamping emotion on it is a way to ground yourself in reality. It sets the stage for your next move.
It feels wrong, doesn’t it?
I mean, he cheated, he hurt you, he broke vows, he lied.
So why do you need to change and work on yourself?
It’s not because you aren’t enough or because you’re to blame.
It’s simply because the only investment worth making is one in yourself. You can spend hours upon hours sitting him down and talking about your feelings and how horrible you were made to feel in an attempt to change him, but that won’t work.
What will work is healing from these wounds. What will work is gaining confidence, thinking clearly, and creating the best possible future for you.
It’s true your husband has hurt you, but that was yesterday. You can choose to let yourself wallow in pain OR you can choose to heal.
Take that in for a moment.
You can choose to act.
You’re the only way that can determine your happiness.
Yes, you’ve been hurt and hell yes your feelings of anger are valid. But in time you can work through these feelings and craft a future that makes you happy with or without your husband.
It still may be sinking in that how to save a marriage after cheating involves internal more so than external shifts.
As you invest in yourself you will begin to see how self-investment can lead to significant external changes.
But how do you go about creating inward change?
Every morning focus on what you want to achieve. Visualize your goal.
Maybe that’s saving your marriage, healing from infidelity, or just being happier.
Focus on that goal and feel it as though you have already achieved it. Don’t simply want it but feel the gratification of already having achieved such a goal.
Know that if you don’t achieve your goal it’s okay.
Your life will go on and you’ll still find happiness.
Things won’t be as bad as your worst-case scenario.
Becoming less attached will ultimately help you achieve your goal.
Detachment makes you less emotionally charged and more able to make level-headed concrete decisions.
Simply wanting something isn’t enough to achieve it. Concrete action is the only way to achieve what you desire.
All this can seem a bit abstract.
If how to save a marriage after cheating is all about inner healing, how does one really heal internally?
In my program, the Authentic Relationship System, I teach women like you the concrete steps they need to take to heal.
Via an online curriculum, live sessions, and with the help of a supportive community of women that know what you’re going through we can help you heal and create a better tomorrow.
To paraphrase Ester Perel, your first marriage is over, would like to start a second one with your husband?
I can help you do this.
Let’s have a one-on-one conversation so we can learn a bit more about each other and determine if my program is the right fit for you.