Why is it that we actively work against what we want most?
That we have a goal in mind but purposefully take detours and burn bridges, preventing ourselves from what we desire.
So many women have come to me with self-sabotaging behavior. Angie, Laurie, Michell, Sarah, and a host of other women have self-sabotaged – but that’s not the only thing they have in common.
They all have been able to overcome their self-sabotaging in relationships. It hasn’t been easy, but with help and a roadmap in front of them, they have been able to do away with harmful habits and carve out the future they want.
That roadmap isn’t esoteric or difficult to follow. In fact, I’ll shine a light on the road less traveled right now.
There are three glaring signs that you are self-sabotaging in romantic relationships. It doesn’t matter if you don’t check every box. What matters is that you take a close look at your actions and realize which behaviors benefit you and which behaviors self-sabotage relationships.
Self-sabotage is what happens when we get in our own way. It’s when we have a clear goal or desire in mind but do everything in our power to prevent ourselves from achieving said goal.
Maybe that goal involves losing weight.
We say we want to lose weight, we even join a gym. But when it comes time to put in the work, we always have an excuse.
It’s too cold out to jog.
I had an apple for lunch so now I can eat half a cake.
I’m just too tired to go to the gym today.
It’s not the weather that’s holding you back, but yourself. Humans are creatures of habit and comfort. We tend to do what we’ve been doing and stick to it because doing so is comfortable. Changing, pushing our comfort boundaries, and actually giving a damn makes us uncomfortable, so we push back.
Even though we know what we should do, we opt for what we shouldn’t.
Instead of working for ourselves, we actively work against ourselves. It’s when we become our own worst enemy.
But there’s good news here.
If we’re our own worst enemy we can also be our own best partner. No one can help you more than you can help yourself. Once you realize this and get out of the way of yourself great things will happen.
But first, we need to read the self-sabotaging signs.
Here are the three most common self-sabotaging signs in relationships.
Humans are funny creatures.
We think we’re brilliant, but really we’re just another impulsive animal.
We smoke, drink, refuse to exercise, and continually do things we know harm us. What’s even more mind-blowing is that we have the correct answers. We know how to live longer, happier, more fulfilling lives, but instead, choose behavior that harms us.
Even when we know change is not only necessary but what we want, we avoid putting the work into changing.
What does this look like within the context of a relationship?
It looks like avoiding conversations and beneficial behavior. What do we do instead?
We binge TV, work more, and keep our mouths shut.
We do this because change is scary. The status quo -even if we don’t like it- is known to us and thus comfortable enough to live with.
Humans gravitate towards what is comfortable, not what is best.
Anathema to the discomfort we completely avoid what we should be doing. We don’t have difficult conversations for fear of rattling the boat. Even if we don’t love our present lives we remain complacent because it’s something we know we can handle.
There is a benefit to this however minor and short-lived.
Refusing to change offers short-term relief. It’s kind of like when you were in junior high and it was nearly your time to present in front of the class, but to your luck, the bell rings. Short-term relief is offered, but you’ll still need to present tomorrow. Anxiety will linger, but for the moment there is respite.
The right decision is often not the easiest decision.
Follow your gut and trust what you know to be right. In the long run, do what gives you the most long-term relief.
Let’s imagine that you dipped your toes in the waters of change.
That you made a couple of steps towards improving your relationship. You’re starting to see the dividends and you’re pleased but scared at the same time. Scared because your newfound surroundings are unfamiliar. You recoil and self-sabotage, taking you back to a place of pain.
The pain is familiar. Erring too far from what is familiar scares us.
Sure part of us likes the improvement but another prefers the shadows. As a result we backslide.
We opt for pain because we think it’s what we deserve. We think pain aligns with our identity. This is a fixed mindset. A growth mindset needs to be adopted in order to see the possibilities and facilitate change.
It’s scary but remember, magic is on the other side of fear.
Embrace the change and you’re embracing a new identity, one that is better for you and your relationship.
Self-sabotaging in a relationship is most likely to happen when you realize you don’t want to be with your partner. When you realize at a deeper level that the person you share a life with isn’t your person, you’ll lash out.
Consciously or subconsciously you’ll self-sabotage. You’ll start fights, stay away from him for long periods of time, and just make things difficult in general.
Don’t drag this out. It’s tough but realize what you want and move forward.
You need the courage to confront your feelings.
If you do decide he’s the man of your present and future, embrace him. If he’s not, leave him.
Embracing the suck now will open the door for a brighter future to take place.
Going it alone is difficult – so don’t.
Team up with me and a squad of women that have your back because they know exactly what you’re going through.
When you join the Authentic Relationship System you’re joining a community of women that are struggling in their romantic lives but are dedicated to making change.
Via an online curriculum and live sessions, women will learn how to improve their relationships in short time. The road ahead can be sinuous and bumpy. Let’s illuminate the path towards a better future.
Let’s talk 1-on-1 to get to know each other a bit more and see how the Authentic Relationship System can help you save your marriage.
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