Till death do us part…
Most married couples have said these words, but few ultimately live by them.
That’s because the divorce rate in the US is about 39%.
I don’t say this to scare you, rather to help you understand that you’re not alone. Marriages are roller coasters, with plenty of ups and downs. Some of these lows however don’t have the momentum to kick back off the ground (which may not be a bad thing).
Right now, it’s fair to say that marital roller coaster of yours is experiencing a low.
You’re struggling with the fear that your husband may want to separate.
In this article, we’re going to address your fears. In order to get your emotions under control, understand the situation, and figure out the best steps forward you want to have that nagging question answered.
That’s why we’re going to take a look at five reasons your husband may want to separate.
Lots of clients of mine have been in this exact situation. Their husbands have been acting strange recently and they’re wondering if they want to end things but don’t understand why.
So many women I’ve helped have been able to save their marriages by creating internal shifts that address the underlying issue in their marriages.
But to first do so, you need to attend to that nagging itch.
If you know why he wants to separate you can take steps to resolve the situation.
Understanding the why behind him wanting to change things up may not immediately solve the problems, but will give you clarity and help you create a blueprint for moving forward.
As children we all dream of having a perfect life.
The perfect family, live in the best city, have the best house, the best job etc.
But inevitably in some way or another those dreams of grandeur won’t be fulfilled.
The blueprint we had for our lives won’t match up against reality. Instead of living the dream there’s a delta between reality and his expectations.
This discrepancy can be deflating.
Instead of living the life he was meant to live he feels as though he never lived up to his potential. In a frenzied desire to right the wrongs and fulfill his dreams, he starts questioning every decision he’s ever made.
One of those decisions will be the decision to marry.
He may make the hasty choice of leaving you at least temporarily because he doesn’t feel fulfilled in his life as a whole. To find the kind of gratification he’s looking for he’ll feel compelled to make major life changes.
It may be difficult for you to understand.
From your perspective, he has a pretty fabulous life. He’s a great father, puts food on the table, has a respectable job and a family that loves him.
What else could he want?
This is only part of the satisfaction he’s looking for. Men are highly motivated by a feeling of significance in all areas of life, professional, platonic, and romantic. If he feels he’s falling short in one area he’ll go to leaps and bounds to improve his standing.
If possible understand where he’s coming from. Try to figure out why he feels the way he does. Also remind him that he’s loved, respected, and is a great father and husband (if true).
Now I’m in no way justifying the why behind him considering separating. I’m merely bringing to light why he feels this way.
Once you understand how he feels you can work towards addressing these issues and repairing your relationship.
The next reason I’m going to call the compound effect.
Perhaps the negativity has been brewing for a while now.
Instead of dealing with the negative aspects of your relationship in a healthy way your husband has been letting them build.
Maybe there are a number of negatives that have been percolating for some time time. Perhaps the love is gone and you two are more platonic than ever or that he detests the new routines in his life, or perhaps the negatives have nothing to do with you at all.
Whatever the case may be these emotions have been repressed and left to fester for far too long.
This actually happened to me in a previous relationship.
I was surrounded by negativity, frustrated, and hurt. Both parties were to blame but we did nothing about it. I never vocalized what I was feeling and instead suffered in silence.
The health and longevity of any marriage can be nurtured with open lines of communication. Cultivate a warm and non-judgemental space where you and your spouse feel comfortable about opening up and having difficult conversations.
I’m not here to sugarcoat things.
I’m here to help you understand the situation at hand and move forward.
You can’t do that if you’re denying reality.
More than one client has assured me their spouse isn’t cheating on them. They’re sure there’s a divide but he would never do that.
To get your marriage and life back on track you need to know the facts. You need clarity on the life you’re living.
To determine if he’s cheating ask yourself these things:
These aren’t full proof signs he’s cheating, but they give you hints that you may want to explore further. While I don’t condone checking his phone or logging onto his email you may feel obligated to do for clarity’s sake.
Ascertaining whether he’s faithful or not will give you a blueprint for how best to move forward.
Perhaps an affair is even a strong word for his actions. Maybe he’s flirting with women, messaging, but hasn’t taken it to the next level. Whatever the case may be, be mindful of how he’s behaving and ascertain how faithful he is.
Some would argue marriage isn’t natural.
That humans aren’t meant to pair up with just one person for their entire life.
In fact, monogamy is pretty rare in the animal kingdom with just 5% of animals shacking up for life.
One reason so many of us don’t stay with one partner till death do us part is because we change. The person you married in your 20s is going to change from year to year. It won’t be noticeable for the first few years of decades but after a while you’ll start to notice changes.
Maybe as time went on you two grew apart. Your values and hobbies changed.
Now the person you thought you married doesn’t exist anymore.
Your husband may have changed – you as well.
Now is the time to take stock and figure out if you really want to stay in this relationship. The easy thing to do would be to stay. You have your routines in place and fear the great unknown. But at the same time, when a mighty tree in the middle of the forest gets struck down it leaves space for something else to grow in its place. Something that wouldn’t have had the chance to grow had the tree survived.
The propensity to stay with a partner even when our feelings have waned can be described with the sunk-cost fallacy.
The economic theory describes the urge to continue to invest in something even when we know we shouldn’t. We continue to do so because of prior investment. To stop investing now would feel like a loss, even when we know it’s better to move on.
You or your husband may be feeling this way.
Sometimes life just gets you down.
But in this case, life has got him down for a while now.
Maybe it’s the job, the happiness, the development of the relationship, etc. There are a number of factors that have come together to contribute to the deterioration of his quality of life.
You may want to say, just tough it up. Just be a man, suck it up, and move on.
It may be this masculine pressure that is also contributing to this feeling.
The emotional buildup may be so intense he feels his only option is to escape.
Running away is almost never the right answer. He’s clearly avoiding deeper issues that addressing. But if you don’t empathize and help him address these issues he’ll see you as the enemy. As just another pressure building up inside of him that he needs to run away from.
Focusing on how he feels instead of just your own emotions will serve you more than by only focusing inward.
To really deal with the situation you have to adopt both perspectives. Only focusing on your pain will make you pissed off and angry.
These aren’t productive emotions.
They will only vindicate his actions.
It’s vital you heal from the inside and understand his mentality.
In my program, I take my clients through a journey where they’ll able to transform from within. This deep transformation is about authentic and real changes that last a lifetime.
I’m not talking about being able to manipulate your husband or quick fixes. Rather I’m talking about deep, meaningful change that will stay with you for your entire life.
To get started, let’s chat.
We’ll talk about your relationship, how you want to improve it, and if my program can help you achieve the results you’re looking for.
I can’t wait to be of service to you!
Much Love
Sri