The most intense pain you could ever feel in a marriage is being on the receiving end of infidelity.
Spending all those years in your marriage and giving your heart and soul to this person and then in one fell swoop, that person completely broke your heart and destroyed the trust you had in him.
So, how do you learn how to rebuild trust in a marriage after cheating?
If you’re on the receiving end of infidelity, then your husband or partner is going to be in one of three positions.
First, he is filled with guilt, shame, and remorse for his actions. He’s embarrassed about it and wishes that he never engaged in it.
Second is that he feels justified in what he’s done. Most probably, there has been lots of pain and toxicity within the marriage or the relationship. So, when an opportunity came, he took it. Your marriage has been like this for a long time. It is what it is and this is the reason why he did it so.
The third is a bit of a blend of both. He’s done what he’s done and he feels justified in what he’s done. But at the same time, he feels a little bit embarrassed and a little bit shameful for the fact that he’s gone down that path.
So the question is – how to rebuild trust in a marriage after cheating? Now, looking at those three aforementioned paths, It’s important now to clarify what the best way to maximize your chance of rebuilding trust.
Regardless of the position that your husband is in, I believe that it’s really important that you first understand one key point:
Truly understanding the differences between how men and women view trust.
Whilst there will always be exceptions to the rule, we need to understand that for a women who’s been on the receiving end of infidelity, the most important thing that they need to feel is a sense of security and that comes in the form of emotional safety
For a woman, feeling heard and understood is of paramount importance when they are on the receiving end of infidelity. Men on the other hand tend to approach things from a logical perspective like, “Hey, look. Yes, I’ve done that. I screwed up. It was my fault. I’m embarrassed by it. But there’s no point rehashing the past. So, let’s just move on. And let’s actually put the time and energy into it.”
In addition to feeling a level of emotional safety, Women need to have complete transparency from their husband and the only way that they get there is by ensuring that all information relating to the infidelity has actually been disclosed. Not some information – All of it!
“Show me the messages.”
“Show me the interactions you’ve had with that person.”
“Make sure you have deleted them from your Facebook account.”
“Make sure you’ve stopped following them on Instagram.”
Yes, all stuff that needs to be provided in order to experience complete trust and faith. And even if those things are already provided, there’s still going to be a lack of trust that needs to be constantly reassured – that is, proof of behaviour that they are not interacting with other people.
This constant reassurance allows women to generally feel that sense of validation and completely trust their partners.
Now as a woman, the question is…
Knowing how completely different men and women handle these things, you are probably trying to work out in your mind how to rebuild trust in a marriage after cheating. Here are some steps that you need to take in order to maximize your chances of reclaiming that trust from your partner:
Don’t Come from a Lack of Self-worth
One thing that I have observed whenever I am working with clients is that I see that they have been treated so poorly for a long time. Some of them have been cheated on upwards of five to ten times.
Now, as a male, I want to tell you that that’s just not good enough. If your husband is engaging in these sorts of behaviours and you’re asking yourself questions on ‘how can I rebuild that trust’ and ‘how can I get him to open up, be honest, and truthful with me’ after he’s cheated on you five to ten times, then that is coming from a complete lack of self-worth. Lack of self-esteem.
I know, it might be really hard to hear. But I really want to free you from that pain. I want to create healing inside of you.
Because if you’re trying to save your marriage…
If you’re trying to get that person to rebuild that trust after he’s done all those sorts of behaviours, I really believe that one of the most important steps that you need to engage in is to really elevate your standards.
Realise that this is unacceptable behaviour.
These feelings come from thoughts of: “I’m not sure if I can be happy and live the life I want to live without him. So, therefore, I need to find a way to hold on to that person. I need to find that way.”
And guess what, that’s just coming from a really depleted sense of self. You have to learn to bring the best version of yourself. Recognize that that sort of behaviour is unacceptable and should not be tolerated in any particular way.
You are WORTHY OF LOVE!
Trust in Your Own Self.
Now, let’s say it hasn’t been to that extreme where you’ve been cheated on multiple times. Say, your husband is really a good person with good traits and values that you admire and has just cheated on you once or twice, well maybe you can look at the situation in this manner: what is this situation teaching me about myself?
Trust issues are a reflection of our lack of trust in ourselves. For you to know how to rebuild trust in a marriage after cheating, you have to begin by rebuilding the trust you have in yourself.
This means that you have to trust your own decisions.
You have to trust your own self and ultimately, this is going to result in you making the best decision for your future.
At the end of the day, this all comes back to you. With the people I’ve worked with, I’ve realised that sometimes, it’s not about the practical steps that they need to take in order to improve their marriage. The key is the inner working side: to remember that you are enough just as you are.
The reality is, when you are coming from a place where you’re needing someone else to fill you up, it’ll never be enough.
If you ever happened to watch the Cool Runnings movie, there’s a scene there that strikes a chord: “If you are not enough without a gold medal, you’ll never be enough with a gold medal.”
Think of that gold medal as the marriage or your partner. If you’re never enough without, You’ll never be enough with.
In short, always remember the importance of building your sense of self.
Create a Safe Space for Men to Communicate
When men go out and engage in infidelity, they are not as cold as you probably think they are. While he might seem cold and calculated, the reality is he’s also feeling emotional inside. He’s also feeling some pain.
On the assumption that he’s a really good person, he also feels pain, sadness, and the possibility of shame as well.
In order to start having some productive conversations, it is very important that you try to create a safe space. With the embarrassment and shame he’s feeling, he might be afraid that if he speaks his truth, you are going to get really angry and annoyed….
As a result, you won’t be having productive conversations whatsoever.
Therefore, a safe space needs to be created and that safe space is created by actually having an open heart.
By creating an open heart, it means that the other person knows that he can say whatever it is that he wants to say without you getting critical and judgmental.
Now, this might sound harsh to you. He’s the one who cheated so why should you be the one to have to do all of this? Why should you create a safe space, be emphatic, and understanding towards him?
This is perfectly understandable but sadly, having this mindset will only result in more problems and leave little room for healing. In order for you to have a high-quality connection, getting angry and hoping that he’ll be the one that opens and everything is not going to work.
In his eyes, the marriage has gotten to such a point because of some things that you’ve done (rightly or wrongly). Both of you now are trying to justify your actions. And when both of you are trying to be right, this causes even more pain and more challenges within the marriage.
As a result, it gets more difficult to rebuild trust.
Do you want to be right or be in love?
Allow Your Partner to Speak His Truth.
After creating a safe space for your partner to communicate, allow your partner to speak his truth.
But in doing this, you have to make sure that you stay as emotionally centred as you possibly can.
The moment you break down or start getting angry and frustrated (even just a shift in the body language or tonality when you speak), he will immediately bring his defences up.
When this happens, you won’t be able to get the information that you need.
So, by having this conversation, you have to allow him to speak his truth. When you do this, you are creating a beautiful open dialogue.
But this does not mean that this is going to be an easy conversation. It’s easier said than done.
However, you can slowly start to open that space for a short conversation. Then, down the line, you can slowly build a slightly deeper conversation.
Slowly work on things over time because the chances are, he’s not going to quickly get up and pack his bags and then leave. He’s also uncertain if it’s going to work or not.
You start by saying, “Listen, honey, If we’re going to really commit to making this work, what I’m going to need from you now is just complete dirt level honesty. I know it might be hard but I want you to know that I’m going to do everything in my power to be as understanding, as compassionate as I can for you. Because I do love you and I want to make this work. But I’m going to need to understand a little bit more about what’s been going on because that helps me with my healing.”
Remember to be patient.
You can’t fix things overnight. The things that happened to your marriage didn’t just get to such a place overnight. It’s compounded overtime to get to a point where your partner has finally decided to divorce you.
It takes time. So, make sure to stay patient. Part of being patient means looking from a perspective that what’s happening is for your highest good and that it’s helping you grow.
I honestly believe that transformation in any marriage is about our own psychology. These steps can only do so much in terms of communication. But if you don’t address the shifts that you need to make within you, you’re never going to show up in the best way that you can.
Some things will constantly trigger you over and over and over. And if you’re going to show up with anger and resentment all the time, then you’re going to continue to affect your husband or partner.
But if you focus on your growth, on your transformation, in going deep in your healing at the deepest level, not just the mental stuff, this can significantly help you create a new identity and reprogram your subconscious.
Not addressing all that you feel can only lead to suppression. You need to create shifts that will result in long-term healing and truly stand the test of time.
I know how challenging and confusing it can be when you are trying to work through how to rebuild trust in a marriage after cheating…
And I want you to know that I am here to help you out.
I want you to move forward and keep going with life. Be it rebuilding your marriage or allowing yourself to heal from the divorce process.
I’m opening a few spots for my Authentic Relationship System Training Program. This is an amazing program that has helped my clients go deep and create transformations at the deepest level, not just the superficial. I’ve always been a true believer that in order to create shifts in marriage, you’ve got to shift from within.
This is not just a simple ‘I want to change your thoughts’ kind of thing. We all know this stuff does not result in long-term shifts. If you want to heal, you have to become the best version of yourself.
By doing so, you can show up in your marriage in the most authentic way you can. What it does allows you to connect with your true, pure, feminine essence. And when you bring your pure feminine essence into your marriage, your husband, who is the reflection of the masculine, will be pulled to you in such a strong way.
He’s going to be drawn to you, the same way I experienced with my wife. She represents and oozes her femininity in such a beautiful way that I’m drawn to. I want to spend time with her. It just brings me so much joy!
Of course, this does not mean that we don’t have tough conversations. There are challenges from time to time.
What we’re doing here is we’re building rock-solid foundations. So that no matter what comes your way, you will be able to push through and have the most remarkable marriage you possibly can.
But worst-case scenario, you know, when the marriage is destructive and there’s no way that it can actually be resolved, we’ll help you heal past it to recover. Then, who knows, maybe you will be able to draw in someone who’s going to be amazing for you. If that’s the path that you choose to go down.
Let’s see if you’re a good fit for my program? BOOK A CALL with me and choose the best time that best works for you. Fill in the short application form. Then I will contact you at the scheduled time. We’ll then see if this is a good fit.
If not, that’s totally okay. I’ll still make sure that I give you a couple of tips in order for you to move forward. You can also access my videos here – where I teach how to improve your marriage and learn more about male psychology so you can really connect with your partner in a much deeper and positive way.
BOOK A CALL now and let’s see how we can work together to rebuild trust in a marriage.