They say that women are the gentler, more reticent sex – I disagree.
Men are notorious for their inability to communicate effectively. That’s not a personal opinion, it’s just science. More neurons in the part of the brain dedicated to language and emotions mean women are wired differently than men.
So it’s no surprise that you’re a bit frustrated that you and your husband maybe aren’t communicating the way you used to.
While he may be more to blame for the lack of communication, this isn’t about placing blame.
It’s about how to communicate with your husband.
And you know what, it doesn’t matter that you have an inherent supernatural ability to communicate, sometimes talking it out (especially when dealing with sensitive matters) is difficult.
Sometimes you need a little help.
Before learning how to effectively communicate with your husband, let’s look back at how communication breaks down in the first place. Knowing which behavior led you to this quandary will help you avoid such behavior in the future.
It’s far too easy to take for granted what we already have. Once we’re in a relationship for long enough things become pedestrian and routine.
We stop investing in our partners as the relationship becomes stale.
To an extent this is natural.
Romantic relationships typically go as follows:
Stage 1: Infatuation
Stage 2: Early Attachment/Love
Stage 3: Deep Attachment/Companionship
It’s unnatural to remain infatuated with your partners until death do you part. This just isn’t how the brain works. As time goes on it’s natural to see your partner as a companion as opposed to a hot steamy love interest.
But inevitable change doesn’t mean you’ll inevitably be unable to communicate with your partner.
Keep things fresh, continue to invest in your relationship, and surprise your spouse every once and a while. Call an audible and sometimes ditch the routine for something more enriching.
Are your needs being met?
It’s always difficult communicating with someone you feel isn’t on your team, even someone that at times is actively working against you.
If you aren’t getting your needs met, chances are you’ve spoken about this issue previously. And every time it comes up you two are unable to create lasting change. Having the same conversation over and over again with the same result is tiring, so tiring it may lead to the closing of open lines of communication.
Instead of talking, you and your spouse might be resigned to how things are. It doesn’t matter that both parties aren’t getting their needs met. Despite how you may try you know how fruitless your efforts will prove.
Emotional stacking is what happens when negative feelings compound.
Instead of dealing with negativity we deflect or repress and throw it on the pile. Eventually, this negativity will overwhelm. It will weigh down any attempt to change the status quo.
If these negative feelings aren’t dealt with they will boil over.
When they do, you’ll emotionally vomit all those things you had been keeping inside.
Perhaps this cathartic experience may be the purge you’re looking for.
But in all likelihood, while it may feel good to expel those grievances the way in which you do so won’t be productive. This is why voicing issues you may have is important early on in a relationship.
Creating a foundation of respect and easy communication builds a healthy pattern allowing you and your partner to express yourselves.
We all have less savory aspects of our personalities.
Even if our natural disposition is jolly and fun-loving there are darker parts of our personality lurking beneath that joy.
This is our shadow personality. It rarely comes out but when it does it can do some serious damage. Does your partner trigger this aspect of your personality? Once triggered is the person you become insufferable and a poor communicator?
Once you’ve identified your shadow personality and what triggers it you can begin to remedy this side of your personality.
You may find it odd that we’re concentrating on your communication skills instead of your husband’s. Realize that you alone can’t change how he communicates. The only thing you can control is your own ability to communicate. Be the best possible conversationalist you can be. Doing so will benefit you both.
Now that we know how communication becomes impossible, let’s take a look at how we can create a shift in how you communicate with your partner.
Heed these four steps to make a meaningful change in the quality of your relationship.
Right now you and your partner may have one or two unhealthy patterns.
Perhaps every time there’s a minor disagreement it devolves into pure chaos. Or that every time he triggers a pet peeve you give him the cold shoulder for the rest of the day.
Whatever the case may be you need to interrupt that pattern ASAP.
Shock the system by going against your natural urge. Everyone does this differently.
I personally pull from many of the inside jokes I have with my wife to sock the system.
Maybe you’ll want to use a safe word, meditate, tell him how much you love him, meditate, do push-ups, go for a jog, play classical music (who can fight with Vivaldi in the background), do a little dance, etc.
Breaking that pattern even if just for a moment opens up the possibility to have a civil and productive conversation.
Do whatever you have to in order to change your emotional state of being.
Put yourself in the best state of mind to have a conversation. It’s pretty obvious that the worst time to talk about a difficult subject is when you’re already annoyed.
Shake it out and change up that negative pattern.
This is easier said than done I admit that.
But just because it may not be easy doesn’t mean it’s not impossible.
Find a tactic that works for you and stick with it.
If you know you’re in a bad mood and a difficult topic arises tell your spouse you’re not in the right headspace to have this conversation and that you’d like to talk about the issue but just not right now.
Take a step back and give yourself the time you need to change your emotional state. You can ask for this momentary break before or during the conversation. As long as he doesn’t see you as running away from the conversation he should respect your desire to put the conversation on pause. Just be sure to acknowledge the importance of the conversation and ensure him you want to talk about it at a later time.
You can even ask to take a step back in the midst of a conversation.
Get your head right by going on a walk, calling a friend who can calm you down, listening to calming music, imagining what a productive conversation looks like, or reflecting on how much you love and care about your partner.
Remember that you can’t change how he communicates. The only thing you can control is yourself.
With that in mind let’s focus on you.
The most generous, loving thing you can do is to be mindful of how he’s feeling.
To understand where he is coming from and have compassion for him.
The secret to living is giving.
I know how difficult this can be, especially when you feel you’ve been wronged. Even though it may feel wrong, it’s the most productive thing you can do to communicate effectively with your husband.
You are in control of the words that leave your mouth.
How to communicate with your husband is all about choosing the right words.
It’s about asking probing questions, understanding his perspective, and leaving the conversation in a better place than when you started.
You must drop your ego at the door and understand that even if you feel as though you’ve won the conversation, in reality, you’ve both lost.
The goal of any conversation should be to understand and come to a conclusion both sides are content with.
Anything less is a loss for both parties.
All this can seem a bit vague or difficult to implement.
Sure it sounds nice on paper but how do you actually go about changing your emotional state before a difficult conversation?
In my Authentic Relationship System I break down the steps you need to take to improve your relationship with your partner.
Via coaching and an online curriculum, we take a granular approach to addressing your relationship’s communication breakdown.
By understanding male psychology and awakening your inner goddess we’ll turn back the clock on your marriage and make it stronger than ever before.
I’d love to talk with you about your relationship, your relationship goals, and how my program can help you achieve them.