Times have changed – and not in a good way.
You and your husband have lost touch over the past few months if not years and you’re afraid there’s no coming back. I’m here to tell you that if you too lost the way, you can also find it.
Every relationship has its up and downs and every relationship grows in unique ways. If you two have grown apart you can also grow together.
What’s missing is a roadmap, one that I’ll lay out for you right now.
But first, what exactly does being disconnected mean?
Being disconnected in a marriage could manifest itself in different ways. Perhaps for you and your husband, it means spending less free time together or having more superficial conversations. It could mean investing less time in one another and making the other a secondary figure in your life.
Maybe you can’t put your finger on what’s wrong but you sense that times have changed. You’ve noticed that he gets home from work, acknowledges your existence and goes his own way.
Or maybe the change is glaringly obvious. Maybe you’ve made an attempt to revive the relationship but your actions and words have fallen on deaf ears. He may make an effort every now and then to spend time with you and connect but it’s just not sufficient.
It’s even possible that disconnected means that he’s lost interest in the relationship and wants to see someone else.
Regardless of how you feel disconnected, what’s certain is that you want to reconnect.
These strategies work for any relationship regardless of how that disconnect is manifested.
At this point, your husband probably feels one of two ways.
For one, he may want out.
He may feel as though the relationship isn’t working, hasn’t been working, and can’t be fixed. He’s fed up and done trying. It’s possible that he hasn’t voiced any of his ill feelings toward the relationship with you. This isn’t a good sign. It may mean he’s been repressing how he feels. Repressing may mean he’s done trying.
The flip side of this is resentment. On this side of the spectrum, we see him letting it be known that he’s unpleased. Maybe he’s acting out, expressing himself in loud ways, or just visibly disappointed. Clearly, there are better ways to communicate. Remember this is the other extreme of the spectrum. But as repulsive as his behavior may be it means he hasn’t lost hope.
Admittedly it’s an uncomfortable position to be in, but resentment at the very least shows that he wants to invest in the relationship.
It’s important to identify how he’s feeling. Doing so will allow you to use certain steps that you can apply immediately in order to build momentum and work towards rebuilding the flame you two once had.
The first step towards reconnecting with your husband has to do with empathy.
You’re hurting. I know that.
It almost seems unfair to ask you to put aside your ego. If anything you may feel as though it’s on him to change. You’ve been doing your part, so why are you required to change?
The reality is that you’re the only person you can convince to change. Try as you might, go to as many couples therapy sessions as you can, he’s the only person that can decide to change. Take a lesson from his stubbornness and take control of your actions.
One of the most beneficial ways to change – with you and him as beneficiaries – is the invest in empathy.
When we tap into our empathetic sides we begin to understand at a deep level how our partners feel. We understand why they are they way they are, how work makes them feel, how they feel about the relationship, and where they want to see the relationship go.
When we open ourselves up to our partners we being to see things from their perspective AND care for them on a new level.
The better you understand them the more effective you become at repairing the relationship. You’ll see this change as your tone softens, heart opens, and you start transmitting a different, healthier energy towards them.
Think of your relationship as a business for a moment.
Maybe your customer – in this case, your husband – has had 9 positive interactions with your business. But for whatever reason that 10th interaction didn’t go so smoothly.
While the business may be content that 9/10 experiences went well, that customer is livid. They feel entitled to a perfect experience every time and now have a negative opinion of the business. They’ve taken to Twitter to Tweet about this horrible company and have left a bad review on every review website they could find.
It’s possible your husband is in a fragile state and catastrophizes every negative experience. This one negative experience could outshine the dozens of positive ones you two have shared over the years.
Should a negative interaction take place do your best to triage the situation. My recommendation is to first get away from the negative situation, physically and emotionally. Get away from him and take a moment to compose yourself so you can address the situation with composure.
All the while remember that your husband’s reaction isn’t justified and that you aren’t wholly to blame for how he is feeling. An irrational blow-up isn’t something you can control – you can only decide how to manage the fallout.
As you being to engage in positive ways he’ll begin to start to notice a shift. Just recently I was talking with a client who was consistently making small changes in her relationship. These incremental changes built momentum and ultimately culminated in lasting meaningful changes in her relationship.
He is his own man.
When asking how to reconnect with your husband, many people will tell you to directly engage with him and just try harder.
They believe that if you just try a little harder he’ll change. They refuse to realize that he’s an incredibly unique human with his own feelings, thoughts, and nature. He’s not some bonsai tree that you can slowly shape to your liking.
Sometimes the best way to create change is to lead by example and to change from within. As humans we naturally absorb the energy of others. Without the exchange of words we can feel rooms, people, and pick up vibes.
If you become the best version of yourself, he’ll notice.
If you’re happy, doing what you love, seeing friends, being caring, and loving your life, he’ll want to do the same. You can be his role model for positive change, but you must lead by example.
We often look to other people to heal us. We think that after we exchange vows our partner must be there for us at all times, lift us when we’re down, and be our own personalized super hero.
That’s unfair.
A single individual can’t snugly fill every role.
Life should be a reflection of how we feel on the inside (and it is).
Stop looking on the outside for a sudden fix that will heal everything.
Once your husband starts to notice that you’re a new and improved person he’ll be skeptical at first. If this positive change is sustained he’ll feel inspired to make changes of his own.
Perhaps an unintended byproduct of healing from within is that even if the relationship goes south, you’ll still come out strong. If internal healing isn’t at all dependent on your partner’s feelings, the status of your relationship shouldn’t have an outsized impact on the well-being of your life.
When a woman is empowered by a newfound sense of independence and self-love her man will take notice. He’ll wonder how he can elevate himself in the same way and also question his role in the relationship.
Right now should the status quo continue the relationship will deteriorate.
Changing your behavior is the only way to not only keep your relationship alive but to breath new life into it.
I know that the road towards reconnecting with your husband may be unclear, but I promise that there is a viable path forward.
You’re not the only woman to feel the way you’ve felt – and you won’t be the last.
If you want a concrete blueprint that will help you reconnect with your partner, then I invite you to learn more about my program, The Authentic Relationship System.
In this program, you’ll learn via live sessions, an online community, and online curriculum, how to create change within yourself and your marriage.
Let’s learn more about each other when we talk via a 1-on-1 call where we’ll chat about your relationship and see if my program is right for you.