Are you in a really difficult spot with your husband and constantly find yourself asking the question “why do men pull away in a marriage”?
I’m sure you’re already getting mixed signals and you don’t know what to do anymore.
If you are in this situation, please know that my heart goes out to you. You are not alone.
I speak to people every day who also go through the same challenges. Believe me, I know how exhausting it is for them.
But there’s hope. There’s still a chance for you to improve the quality of your marriage but firstly, you need to understand why he pulls away.
When a man begins to pull away or shut down without any explanation, I understand how it can create varying degrees of confusion in your mind.
Situations like these create a huge amount of confusion.
Should you continue interacting with him?
Message him? Should you be more proactive and do acts of service for him? Or should you just back off?
What’s even more exhausting is that: the mind always craves certainty. We want definitive answers on why he pulls away so that we can take the necessary action to get the marriage back on track.
To get those definitive answers, we need to understand more about masculine and feminine energies in marriages.
Regardless of gender, all marriages involve feminine and masculine energies.
The balance of these energies within the husband and wife provide the spark that keeps the marriage going. It’s what allows passion to exist. In addition to this, these energies also affect the way both parties interact and communicate.
The feminine energy is motivated by love. So, even when there are problems in marriage, the feminine person is driven by this desire to seek, pursue and experience love because this keeps this person feeling full.
On the other hand, the masculine energy is driven by freedom. So, in cases like this, when the marriage is falling apart and there’s that feminine energy trying to push and keep trying, the immediate reaction is to get out of that environment as quickly as possible because it prevents them from having the freedom that they desire.
Now that you have an idea of how feminine and masculine energies work, let’s dive into the reasons why men pull away in a marriage.
By nature, masculine men do not want to be controlled and in a lot of the marriages I’ve seen, women can sometimes step into more of a controlling role.
They find it necessary to have this kind of control because of fear. They are worried that he’s going to back off or he’s going to go and put his energy somewhere else. Hence by controlling the man, they think that they can get the husband to meet their needs.
Sadly though, he is likely to become more limited with what he does. The defence mechanism for the masculine man is then to shut down and eventually pull away as well.
Now, I’m in no way blaming you for any of these controlling aspects. I understand that there are times when men also fail to step up for their women. They fail to meet their mental, emotional, and physical needs. When this happens, the wife begins to feel that they have to do everything in their power to try and make sure that they get those needs met.
But this goes differently from a male perspective. His desires for freedom are at the very core of his needs. That’s why even if he knows what he needs to do – that he needs to be there for the kids, he needs to do things around the house etc – he would prefer to go off and hang out with his friends, back off in some ways, or immerse himself in his work.
While these do not apply to every single man, there are patterns and this is definitely one of the most common patterns.
I’ve seen so many instances when men are criticized. It may be difficult to believe how detrimental it is to a marriage but when a man constantly feels like he’s been criticized for everything – be it the way the dishes were done or when he didn’t get the lawns mowed or when he’s not bringing enough money – this can make him feel completely inferior and insignificant.
Unfortunately, when this happens, he’s not going to want to step up in any way.
What I want you to understand is how this emotionally impacts some men. He most likely will feel like he’s not good enough, a complete failure, and worthless. A man wants to claim victory – to be the hero – but when he is criticised, he shrinks to a fraction of the man he wants to be.
His whole perception of the world changes. He wants to get out.
If your husband is feeling inferior and inadequate, it’s important that you work out ways to make him feel really significant, important, and special.
Believe me, that is the best feminine gift that you can give to fill up his masculine energy. Allow him to feel whole, to feel significant, and to feel important. That even if he’s failing in other areas of life, he knows that he has his number one supporter behind him. A raving fan that he can stick around with. That person is You!
Now, the last reason that answers why men pull away in a marriage is heaviness. This comes in two parts:
Men usually struggle when there’s doom and gloom and problems all the time.
I’m not saying that it’s not draining for women as well, but it’s more about recognizing what they’re struggling with at that moment in time.
It’s a natural inclination for men to want to escape. To free themselves from the environment because the heaviness can often feel like too much.
I remember living with a couple over a decade ago and every time I walked into the house, there would just be this feeling that is so difficult to describe. Something heavy and toxic and I just wanted to escape. However, when I worked with them during the day, they’d be bubbly and happy.
So i’d like you to think about this question for a second – how do you feel like you’re coming across to your husband on a daily basis?
I know it’s an uncomfortable question and I can assure you that this is not about blaming you.
It’s about becoming the best version of yourself. Once you understand this, you can actually then work on that to lighten yourself up. Spend more time doing the things that bring you joy, spend more time finding the things that make you happy.
Of course, it’s easier if he could just accept you for who you are and what you are feeling. But the problem is, a lot of men don’t recognize what women need in marriage. So, they immediately pick ‘holes’ at their wife.
Yes, it’s wrong. But it is something that happens a lot.
So, the thing that you can control is how you can be the best version of yourself. Once the connection improves, then you can start communicating with him about your needs and how he can fill up your bucket.
The other component of heaviness is the behavioural component. This includes the specific behaviours on a day-to-day basis when you’re wanting to talk about the difficulties and challenges in the marriage.
While this is necessary, sometimes, men feel so bogged down with this. He’s been problem-solving all day then he comes home with another set of problems that he has to deal with.
I can vividly recall years ago when I was still dating this woman. What would happen is, I would be in the office and get these text messages saying, ‘hey, can we talk’.
Instinctively, I would want to run away from it. I didn’t want to deal with these problems at work! This is actually where the vast majority of men reside mentally and emotionally. They don’t want to deal with those problems.
Also, when it comes to heaviness, our past experiences (during childhood, in the family, or past relationships) of how we are forced to shut down and close ourselves off so people won’t see our flaws can be carried over when we get into a relationship or marriage.
Our inability to completely open up on an emotional level will keep on holding us back. Therefore, it is important to create an environment that can make your man feel free and be his true authentic self.
This is why it is so important to do some of the internal work inside and ask yourself: are you being your best self? Do you feel like you can be completely open with your husband? Do you feel like you’re more comfortable around other people than you are with your husband?
Ask yourself these questions because these will help you recognize how you can be the best version of yourself in the marriage.
If you resonate with everything you’ve read and want to learn more about why men pull away and how to save your marriage, there are two things that you can actually do.
First, you have to recognize that you are not alone in this struggle. So many women go through these exact challenges and have found a way to get through it and you are no different.
Second, I am here to help and provide some guidance on how you can create a concrete plan in terms of how you can go about restoring and improving the quality of your marriage.
If it feels right and you’d like to learn more about how my program – The Authentic Relationship System, can help you then I’d highly recommend you BOOK A CALL with me and just choose a time that works for you. This way, I can learn more about where you are now, where you want to get to, and how you can bridge that gap in the shortest possible time.
I have personally created this program to serve my clients in the greatest way possible and provide a level of world class support you won’t find anywhere else. In the end, I want nothing but to see you happy and live a life that you truly deserve.
I really believe that when people shift from within first, they can impact their marriage. A lot of people have tried and worked on their marriage first before they work on themselves and it’s always a recipe for disaster. You don’t need to go through that. Simply BOOK A CALL with me and I’ll contact you at the scheduled time.