Should I Apply No Contact During Separation With My Husband?
It’s common knowledge that the best way to resolve a dispute is to say nothing.
To walk away and never broach the subject that caused the rift in the first place… right?
Not a chance.
We’ve all had times when we wanted to ghost our romantic partners. To put them on mute Black Mirror style and never talk to them again.
But issues don’t magically resolve themselves.
There is no fairy godmother that makes everything better while you’re asleep – if only it were that easy.
Honest dialogue is the only way to understand where the other person is coming from and communicate towards making progress – no matter how much our instincts tell us to apply no contact during separation.
But if open communication channels are so vital for improving a marriage, why do so many women prefer no contact during separation?
No Contact During Separation
In this article, we’ll talk about a strategy that many women think works marital wonders.
Spoiler: It doesn’t.
We’ll discuss the no contact strategy and show you a much more effective path toward saving your marriage.
What Is The No Contact Rule?
Women in three different situations apply the no contact rule.
- When Trying To Get Over An Ex
- When Trying To Win Back His Affection
- If They Have No Idea What They Want
Despite their goals, the behavior is the same – cutting off all contact with their former partners.
In other words; ghosting.
You may have heard of ghosting.
It’s generally what single daters do when they no longer want to date someone they just met. Instead of telling them the reason they no longer want to see them and risk confrontation, they simply stop answering texts and hope the other person gets the unsent message.
Ghosting in this context is largely accepted.
Why does a man deserve an explicit reason as to why she no longer wants to see him?
And on the flip side does the man really want to know that he had BO and talked about himself incessantly?
While this is a somewhat acceptable form of ending things in a nascent relationship, it isn’t when you’re trying to convince your ex-husband to get back with you.
However, I understand the appeal.
By distancing him from yourself, the kids, the family, his old routine, and basically his entire former life, you think he’ll start to have the same thoughts he had prior to leaving the marriage, the grass is greener on the other side.
He’ll start to miss what he can’t have and yearn to come back.
It’s not a bad technique, but it doesn’t address the underlying reason he left.
It might be an effective short-term strategy but won’t result in him staying in the relationship long-term.
The second he comes back is the second things become as they used to be – him dissatisfied, and you worried that he’ll leave.
Without meaningful changes, he’ll still feel the same void he felt when initially thinking about ending the relationship.
Is this really the relationship you want? This is the very reason why I don’t believe in no contact during separation.
Here are a few steps you can take to create a more sustainable marriage.
Step 1 – Grow
I know what you’re probably thinking.
Isn’t this his fault?
He’s the one that left, shouldn’t he be the one growing.
Definitely.
But if you could control what he did you two would still be together.
He’s gonna do his thing, which means you have to do yours.
Growing might mean many things.
It might mean:
- Changing your perspective
- Focusing on building other relationships you let fall by the wayside during your marriage
- Cultivating a positive environment for your children
- Seeing the positives
- Finding viable paths forwards
- Healing the deeper wounds within you.
A separation can feel apocalyptic.
When the world is crumbling around you the natural response is to run and hide.
This fight or flight mentality you’re experiencing isn’t conducive to making the lucid decisions you need to repair your marriage.
Internal growth is the only way to salvage a marriage.
And yes, it’s true that for this to work both parties will need to grow and address what wasn’t working.
He may not step up to the plate and invest the time needed to grow, but the least you can do is ensure that you’re the best you can be if he happens to step up.
Doing so gives you the best possible chance at creating an amazing relationship.
Step 2 – Detach From The Outcome
You’re naturally inclined to obsess over the outcome.
We stress over things that are important to us, that’s just human.
It’s also not effective.
This is an unhelpful human trait that’s been passed down for millennia.
The thing is, worrying about what we can’t control in no way helps us.
The more worked up we get, the more cortisol we have rushing through our brains, and the worse our decisions making abilities become.
Tell me…
When was the last time you made a really good decision while stressed?
When is the last time you didn’t get any sleep and thought, wow I’m ready to take on the world?
Focus on the things you can control.
Focus on things like:
- Accomplishing small goals
- Making sure your kids are adjusting
- Repairing old relationships
- Running that 5k you’ve been putting off
- Making sure you’re doing well at work
Take a tip from Buddhists and avoid attachment to outcomes.
Buddhists realize that pain is never-ending and change is inevitable. Instead of trying to control the future and getting overly attached to ostensibly stable positions in life, Buddhists encourage accepting that life is full of pain and rapid change.
This of course doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t love those closest to you.
Rather, it means that you should prepare for the unexpected by acknowledging that nothing lasts forever.
One way or another your husband will leave you. If not today perhaps years down the road.
You can’t live a life without ups and downs. Attempting to do so means living in a dreamland and will leave you dejected when things inevitably don’t go your way.
If this is too difficult a concept to implement there’s another to embrace uncertainty.
If you believe in a higher power, put your trust in God. Let God decide what’s best for you and all parties involved.
Step 3 – Purity Of Intention
Why are you applying no contact during separation?
Are your intentions healthy?
Do they involve working together to heal a wound and create a more harmonious marriage?
This can’t be your intent if you’re resulting to the no contact strategy during a separation.
On the flip side, if your intention is to never see him again, then ghosting him is 100% authentic.
But chances are if you’re reading this you prefer repairing the bridge rather than burning it down.
That’s why you need to understand the intention behind your actions.
If you want to shoot him a text to check in because you genuinely care about him, allow yourself to do so. If you feel the only way to heal is for him to know how frustrated you are, let him know about it.
Listen to your heart and let it be your lodestar.
Allow your actions to come from a place of love. Either self-love, love for your children, or love from him.
If your actions are motivated by love they’re rarely if ever misguided.
But if they come from a place of fear you’ll never make the right decision.
The healthiest thing you can do is let your good intentions and love guide your behavior.
The Path Forward
All this can seem a bit abstract.
How do you really listen to your heart and allow it to take the wheel?
It’s difficult to figure out the best path forward.
It’d be a lot easier if there was a blueprint you could follow to repair your relationship.
That’s where my program comes in.
In my program I offer concrete steps to internal healing, understanding male psychology, and ultimately saving a marriage.
My program offers a hybrid way to learn about yourself and the salvation of your marriage.
Via an online curriculum, weekly calls, and personal messaging I can be there for you and guide you toward the marriage you’ve always wanted.
Book a 1-on-1 session so we can talk about your marriage. You’ll tell me what isn’t working and the direction you’d like to see your marriage go in. Then we’ll talk about my program and see if I can help you achieve your romantic goals.
