You’ve spent 5, 10, 15 or possibly 20 years + with your husband and then he drops the bombshell that he wants to leave you or wants a divorce.
To say the pain is crushing would be the understatement of the century!
Naturally you will be in a place where you’re asking the question “What to do when your husband leaves you?”
When your husband leaves you, it can be extremely difficult to navigate.
Part of you will feel like you want to fight for your marriage but then the other part will feel as if there is no hope and you need to give up.
This is all very normal and like you, a lot of my clients lack clarity of where they are in their relationship because of the overwhelming emotions that they feel.
It’s what is known as survival mode.
You become uncertain whether you should give him space or push a little harder. You’re unsure if you should be around him because you feel like nothing is working. Trying to figure out what to do when your husband leaves you becomes the constant question in your mind.
At this point, a wide range of fears begin to take over…
What happens if he leaves? Is he with someone else? What about the kids? Will I have to share the kids with some other woman?
Whilst these fears and mindset challenges are totally normal, there’s a good chance that you will still want to work on the marriage.
To be honest, there’s a good chance that you’ve already started doing the work however, there are three important traps you need to be aware of…
These traps will ultimately determine the success of your marriage and your ability to reconcile.
In most cases, Your husband is likely to say that he wants to get out of the marriage.
He’ll probably come up with some line like “i love you but i’m not in love with you”…
He might even be cruel and say “I want a divorce”.
You will hear a lot of complaints blaming you for all the things that you did and didn’t do.
As stated above, you will probably want to work on the marriage and then begin scouring the internet for tips and tricks.
Initially he will think that you are just trying to fix things up because he wants to separate or get a divorce.
Put simply, he’ll think you’re making changes because he’s leaving and not because you genuinely want to.
There is a huge amount of resistance at this stage. He will doubt your ability to sustain the changes that you are trying to make. With the years that you’ve spent together, he would think that it is impossible for you to make those shifts. This is a key aspect to male psychology that you need to know (check this video out for more info)
But here’s what you have to know: you have to continue making those shifts, committing to those changes.
Here’s the key though…
This is NOT for him.
You see, every marriage/relationship is an opportunity for us to develop and become the best version of ourselves. You’re not doing the work to please him. You’re doing it for your personal growth and development.
He will most likely have a list of reasons why he wants to separate but there will also be a huge amount of opportunities for you to grow.
Why the hell would I want to do this you might be asking? The truth of it is this…
If we don’t grow, then we will keep bringing in more and more of these challenges into our life.
Personal growth isn’t an option – it’s a must!
The effort that you are putting in is for you and your development – and the byproduct of which may impact the decision of your husband.
The second trap when figuring out what to do when your husband leaves you is to prepare for is complete resistance.
When a guy comes to a decision that he wants a separation or divorce, know that this idea has been long playing on his mind.
He has been thinking about it for a long time…
Justifying the possible results of this action, and reflecting on the impacts of it on the finances and the whole family.
Now, when you suddenly decide to focus on things that he has complained about, it becomes difficult for him…
Why? Because he has convinced himself of that decision and that it’s the right one.
This is where two really important mindset shifts are required:
Firstly, this is about your healing – heal you and then heal your life. Second, you have to stay patient.
Picture a scenario where you’re in a job and you’ve been undervalued. You’re not getting any rewards so you feel the need to look for other jobs. Then you get a new job offer job where the pay reflects your value and then your old employer gives you the pay rise you wanted all along.
How will you feel? Kinda annoyed right?
Now just to be clear, this is not criticizing you – it’s just about understanding where his mindset is at.
What I want you to understand is that from your husband’s perspective, he has already laid out his cards and convinced himself of the decision he’s made. This is the reason why he’s going to be very resistant – and the same reason why you have to be patient.
Lastly, you have to be aware of the third trap which is to be prepared for a long-term transformation with your husband.
Many times, when I’m working with clients, they’ve put incredible work into themselves for months and then suddenly the husband comes back.
Why? Because over time they realise that the grass is not actually greener on the other side. In addition, by seeing the shifts that his wife is making, he wants to reconnect because he sees the value in her again.
As a result, he starts shifting and working on himself.
Most of the time, we are pressured by the sense of urgency to work on things as fast as possible to hopefully save the marriage.
But I want you to learn to be patient on this journey. When you stay patient, you also allow yourself to put in those small incremental steps on a daily basis.
From there, you might just be a little bit surprised at what magic unfolds 😉
It really is a marathon and not a sprint. Please remember this.
Things will be difficult at the start. But you have to learn to play the long game because that’s where the real shifts occur.
I hope this article gives you insight on what to do when your husband leaves you.
Having said that, I know it’s a very emotional journey and I want you to know that I am here for you. I am here to support and guide you all through this journey.
If you are feeling lost and unsure on what to do, then my program may be a really good fit. If it feels right, you can book a call with me personally so I can learn a little bit about where you are now and where you want to get to. This way, we can see how to bridge the gap and determine whether my program, the Authentic Relationship System, would be a good fit for you.
Choose a time that works best for you and I’ll contact you at the scheduled time. I can’t wait to be of service and help you work on yourself and your marriage.