It’s 2023 and many of us are still working out our resolutions and how we’ll achieve them.
If you’re here now it’s because you’re chief resolution is saving your marriage.
But how do you go about doing that?
With so many ways to go about it, what strategies actually work?
As a marriage coach for women, I’ve helped dozens of women save their marriages.
I understand what works and what you shouldn’t waste your time on.
You’re here because you want to be able to see your path to save a marriage.
You want to see and feel the steps you need to take to save your most cherished relationship.
Remaining calm and having clarity about the future are vital when your marriage is in the doldrums. I want to help you find that clarity and sail forward with intention with these steps.
Remember the golden years of your relationship.
What made them so special?
My guess is a simple one – you two had a ton of fun!
The relationship wasn’t as weighed down by petty dramas, finances, and the many other conflicts life challenges us with.
When you begin to have fun again you begin to get the most from marriage. But sometimes this is difficult to see.
I recently asked a client of mine what she wants from her marriage.
Of course, she had a list of things longer than her wedding registry.
She wanted to have deep conversations, share everything, spend quality time together, and so on.
This is an awesome list. Getting deep and building a strong connection with your husband is a must. I personally believe what makes my marriage so indivisible is the connection we share. I know that no one will ever have as deep a connection with my wife as I have.
But despite my client’s litany of desires she never once told me she wanted happiness, joy, or to be in a playful, loving, and easy relationship.
This desire for such an intense relationship where your husband is your everything creates heaviness and could be a burden.
I say this for two reasons.
The first is that no one person should be your everything.
Harken back to your wedding. Specifically, rewind until you get to the exchange of vows. Now press play.
Chances are you’d hear something that sounds like this, “I promise to be your biggest fan, partner in crime, shoulder to cry on, and best friend…”
Basically, you and your husband promised to be superhuman. You promised to be multi-faceted individuals that can change roles in the drop of a hat.
That’s not realistic.
No single person can be everything for another individual. Not only does it put too much pressure on your partner, but there are better people suited to fill a role than others. You can cry on the shoulders of friends, take spontaneous adventures with your best friend, and play tennis every Thursday at your tennis club. You don’t need your partner, nor is it fair to burden them with being everything under the sun for you.
But it’s more than that.
The second reason is that men aren’t always the best at going deep and being vulnerable. Sometimes opening up and constantly having these intense conversations is burdensome. Sometimes it’s even emasculating.
Instead make an effort to introduce more joy, laughter, and happiness into your relationship.
You want to keep things light and fun instead of heavy.
Engage in lightness by doing the following:
There are a million ways to have fun with your partner. You know better than anyone else how to do that.
The beginning of any new year is all about goal setting right?
So let’s set some concrete goals.
The problem when we set goals is that more often than not we set negative goals. By that I mean we aim to stop eating junk food, lose weight, or stop using social media. There are a few issues when we set goals like this.
The first being that when we talk about the negatives we’re unable to see the positives. Let’s say you want to argue less with your husband. Arguing less and envisioning that isn’t enough motivation to get it done. What takes the place of arguing less?
What is the positive incentive that wills you to making the adjustment?
Instead of wanting to argue less, why not resolve to laugh more? Instead of saying how you want to feel closer, why not make the concrete resolution of snuggling for a moment every night before going to sleep?
Not only are these resolutions more concrete but they provide you with something beautiful and tangible to strive toward.
But wait, if I’m trying to save a marriage can I apply these?
It doesn’t matter if you’re saving a marriage or just entering into one, setting positive goals is a realistic way to improve your situation.
Not only is it realistic but focusing on the positives rather than the obstacle is scientifically backed to improve one’s life.
We know this from stunt drivers.
Stunt drivers are the best drivers in the world and need to be considering their dangerous line of work. Their job is to drive at top speeds all while avoiding crashes, so how do they do this?
What normal people do when they start to lose control or are confronted with a dangerous obstacle, they focus on that obstacle. If you see a deer in the road ahead you focus on the deer.
This of course is natural, but it’s not ideal.
Instead of focusing on the deer, a stunt driver would focus on where they want to go.
More often than not they were able to avoid danger simply by focusing on where they wanted to go.
We’re too preoccupied with the obstacle rather than the goal. Focus on the goal rather than the hindrance.
This formula might just save your marriage.
Everything I’ve been talking about sounds nice in theory but far too many women will apply it.
This is because they’re waiting for the starts to align.
They think that only once their relationship is perfect again can they become the person they want to be. As if having this relationship will grant them superpowers.
Have + Do = Be is the wrong equation.
Having lots of money doesn’t make you smart or powerful. Being smart and powerful makes you have lots of money.
The same can be applied to your marriage.
Being a fun and caring person will lead you to listen more and be more spontaneous. Ultimately these things will lead you to have a beautiful marriage.
You may think this impossible. You can’t magically become someone new. That’s right. But you can make minor tweaks and work at changing certain aspects in order to become that person you want to be.
That can happen when you make minor internal shifts.
My 2023 hope for you is that you realize the best way to find happiness and change is to make an internal change. You might hope for an external change -e.g. you marriage magically being saved- but that will only happen if you make an internal shift. And even then, we must reconcile with the fact of life that some things are just out of our control.
We can do everything right and still not achieve our goals. But in our attempt to put ourselves in the best possible place to achieve these goals, we will grow.
That doesn’t mean that internal change is all for naught. Rather realize that an internal shift toward becoming a better you is the only thing you can do to get what you want.
Let’s start that now with an exercise.
Stand in front of a mirror and say out loud who you want to be. Perhaps you say I am a strong, confident, happy woman.
Saying these words out loud centers you, puts your goals in the focus, and keeps you on a pathway to achieving your goals.
All this can seem a bit abstract.
Abstraction is the last thing you want when you’re stuck. Instead, you want a defined and well-worn path forward, one you know works. To save your marriage now you may not have the time to invest in other avenues.
In my program, The Authentic Relationship System I’ve created a step-by-step curriculum designed to help you create the internal shifts you need to in order to save your marriage, recover form infidelity, and improve all aspects of your life.
Creating an internal shift is a domino effect.
Via weekly sessions, an online curriculum, and a supportive environment where you can bond with like-minded women I can help you improve your romantic life.
If you really want to change in 2023 book a call so I can learn who you are, your goals, and how I can help you achieve your goals.