Save Your Marriage Alone Using These 5 Steps (MASTER THIS FRAMEWORK)

Saving a marriage sometimes feels like attempting to save a sinking ship.

While initially, this ship was structurally sound, years and years battling against the ocean have created structural damage that was never adequately assessed. Years of negligence means that you’re taking on water faster than you can manage and that soon enough you’ll be underwater.

Many women call me only after their marriages have been decimated by neglect. Working to heal wounds and mend mistrust is difficult when the damage is so profound.

Quick fixes and patches are no match for the rift that you hope to heal.

But just because your ship is sinking, doesn’t mean it’s sunk. All you need is a plan to ward off Davy Jones.

I’ve created a 5-step marital framework designed to help you heal and save your marriage.

Save Your Marriage

The time to act is now.

Apply the following framework to your marriage today to start the healing process. And remember that each step builds on one another. By skipping a step you’re jeopardizing your martial progress.

Saving your marriage begins with a foundation of emotional healing and identity shifting.

Emotional Healing And Identity Shift

Some of us are wounded.

We’ve all lived incredibly complex lives full of ups and downs. The difference is that some of us have lived more traumatic lives than others. And some of us carry that trauma with us instead of dealing with it in a healthy manner.

If you’re struggling to feel whole it may be because you have underlying trauma that hasn’t been effectively addressed. Perhaps these issues arose prior to the marriage or during – the timeframe isn’t relevant. What is relevant is the impact these have on the relationship.

To be the best version of yourself and save the sinking ship you must first repair what’s inside. Only you know if something isn’t right, if there is something preventing you from giving your all to your marriage.

Maybe you have an unhealthy attachment style that developed during your childhood. Perhaps your parents weren’t there as often as they should have been or where hot and cold with their affection. We build our foundation for human interaction in our youth. If our relationships with our parents were fraught we’re likely to have difficult romantic relationships.

The good thing is, attachment styles along with whatever other holdup is hindering your relationship, can be addressed. It may not be that you magically develop a healthy emotional attachment in one day. What’s likely is that this is a long growth process but one that ultimately improves your marriage.

As you begin to heal you’ll gain self-esteem, be proud to look yourself in the mirror, and will begin to save and improve your marriage. Only once you’ve started this journey of internal healing can you climb the framework’s ladder.

Values Alignment

Once you’ve created a level of emotional stability within yourself and your marriage you can move on to the next stage; value alignment.

When we talk about values we’re not talking about minor interests. It’s okay if you’re a reader and he’s a binger or you’re a tennis fan while he loves football. We’re talking about major values that shape who we are and how we behave.

One of my big-ticket values is kindness. I need to be with someone who is kind, courteous, nice to my friends and strangers, and of course my family. I’m lucky enough to have a wife who is kind, is my biggest supporter, wants to grow with me, and aligns with my various other values.

Everyone has different values, and that’s okay. What isn’t okay is when you and your husband have clashing values.

The age-old maxim that opposites attract is widely inaccurate. The best matches are couples who have similar if not identical values.

If you’re with someone whose values don’t align with your own, that can cause frustration.

With that said I have homework for you.

Think about the values you hold dearest. Write them out if you have to. Next, consider whether your husband has similar values. If he does but perhaps has struggled to live up to his values, consider why that might be the case. If you feel comfortable enough, have a conversation surrounding values and how to live up to them with your husband.

Mental And Emotional Stimulation

At this point, you’re on your way toward healing internal wounds and aligning your values.

This is a solid base and one you don’t need to have rock solid before moving onto this next phase. Each aspect of this framework is fluid, in flux, and constantly evolving. What’s important is that you continuously pay attention to each phase and invest in each aspect in order to save your marriage.

Once you’ve invested in the first two pillars of rebuilding your relationship it’s time to really start enjoying your partner again. After a little investment in healing and realigning values, it should be easier to enjoy each other once again. Do what used to bring you two joy. Maybe you two used to hike more often, play pickleball, do jigsaw puzzles, cook together, or enjoy outings with friends.

Bring the joy back into your relationship by stimulating your partner emotionally and intellectually. Maybe you start by simply enjoying a home-cooked meal together and build from there.

When interacting, make jokes, keep things light, and just enjoy each other.

Marital Connection And Compatibility

At this point things will have improved drastically.

You have a beautiful foundation, are enjoying each other once again, and feel more connected than you have in a while – dare I say you two are marriage material.

Now you two are back in your groove again.

This stage is all about enjoying each other and continuing to strengthen the foundation you’ve been building. Now there’s just one more step you need to take to achieve full rehabilitation.

Physical Passion

At this point, you’re super comfortable with your partner, but comfort doesn’t always guarantee physical passion.

Each relationship has its own physical nuances that deserve customized attention. There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to physical attraction. However, what I have seen time after time from my clients is that once the first four pillars are taken care of, physical passion comes naturally.

Five Steps To Create Shifts And Save Your Marriage

The framework above can seem a bit abstract.

To implement the changes needed to save your marriage and quickly achieve each level of this framework you’ll need a list of detailed actions you can take to achieve them.

The following steps aren’t in chronological order, however they should all be implemented in order to save your marriage.

Step 1: Understand Core Needs

In any relationship, it is crucial to recognize and understand each other’s core needs. We all have different driving forces that shape our behavior.

Take the time to understand your husband’s unique needs.

To do so ask questions such as:

• Does he value feeling special and appreciated?
• Is security a top priority for him?
• Does he thrive on recognition and praise?
• Is he feeling loved at work and at home?
• Is he fulfilled?

Understanding his needs allows you to understand him better.

Remember, marriage is about giving and serving, not just receiving. Strive to meet his needs regularly, as this will strengthen your connection and make him less likely to seek fulfillment elsewhere.

I know it may seem odd that you’re the one making all the effort here when it feels as though he’s the one who should be getting on his knees and begging to make things work.

Here’s the thing, you can’t force him to change.

The only person you can control is yourself.

Step 2: Comprehend Male Psychology

Men and women have different ways of operating and perceiving the world.

While there are similarities, it is important to acknowledge the fundamental differences in male psychology. Recognize the biological and biochemical distinctions between men and women, as they influence behavior and communication styles.

For instance, when your husband retreats into his “cave” and seeks solitude, understand that it doesn’t mean he loves or cares for you any less. It might simply be his way of processing emotions or dealing with challenges. By understanding how men function in various situations, you can adapt your communication and respond appropriately.

Step 3: Shift Perception

When your husband exhibits certain behaviors like shutting down or blaming, it is essential to shift your perception of his actions.

Rather than jumping to negative conclusions or labeling him, recognize that these behaviors often stem from underlying wounds or insecurities.

Empathy and understanding are key.

Many men act defensively because they feel inadequate or wounded on some level. By changing your perception and seeing him with empathy, you can foster a more compassionate and supportive environment in your marriage.

He may be acting out, not because he’s mad at you but because he’s mad at himself. It’s easy to anger a wounded animal even if you come from a place of love.

I’m not trying to excuse his behavior, rather, but understanding why he’s acting this way we can begin to empathize and understand him.

Step 4: Create an Empowering Environment

The environment we surround ourselves with has a direct impact on our emotional state.

Take a close look at the environment you and your husband are immersed in.

Negative influences, such as constant exposure to negativity through friends, media, or activities, can bring both of you down and strain your marriage. While it’s not necessary to eliminate people or completely isolate yourselves, be mindful of the negativity and limit your exposure to it. Surround yourselves with positive influences that uplift and inspire you. A positive environment contributes to emotional well-being and strengthens your relationship.

Step 5: Focus on Emotional Healing

Emotional healing is a vital aspect of any transformative journey. Each person is at a different stage of growth and healing.

Beware of quick-fix solutions that suggest changing your thoughts or beliefs alone will solve all your problems. True healing involves acknowledging and processing deep-seated emotions that may have been suppressed since childhood. Understand that unresolved emotional wounds can manifest in destructive behaviors and impact your marriage. Seek professional help or engage in practices that promote emotional healing and growth. By addressing these deeper issues, you can achieve genuine transformation and create a healthier, happier marriage.

This is the most important step of all.

Perhaps a quick fix or two can have a short-term impact. But positive affirmations and techniques only do so much. Often they lead to the suppression of negative emotions that ultimately manifest in negative ways later on.

Quick fixes are bandaids, emotional healing is a profound shift that will last a lifetime.

Remember, saving a marriage requires effort, understanding, and a commitment to growth. By following these steps and investing in the well-being of your relationship, you can foster a stronger connection and navigate the challenges together.

If you want to save your marriage and create profound emotional shifts let’s talk via a 1-on-1 call where we’ll learn more about each other and I’ll show what your journey to saving your marriage will look like.

If you want to know how my clients have created lifelong shifts, read about their success stories here.