It’s never easy when one-half of the union wants to call it quits.
This would be easier to swallow if your husband wasn’t a good man. Perhaps had he cheated, not been there for you, or you felt the marriage slowly deteriorating it’d be easier to move on – but that’s not the case.
Your husband is a good man, one you love dearly, and yet he wants to leave. This is a much more difficult situation to manage, but in a sense it’s also easier to respond to.
Trying to win back the affection of a lousy husband is more difficult than winning back the affection of one you truly love.
By acting from a place of love rather than fear you may be able to save the marriage.
In this article let’s first explore why he wants to leave as well as how you can address the situation moving forward.
Before understanding how to respond to the news of a husband wanting to go his own way, let’s understand how it came to this.
Every man, woman, and idealistic teenager has aspirations. They envision a future and try as they may to achieve it. We are all architects of our own reality.
But not all designs come to fruition. Some designs never pan out.
Right now your husband may be rebelling against his reality because it doesn’t meet his expectations.
He dreamt of clout, money, being able to run a marathon, and in general a more gratifying career. Yet he feels as though he’s fallen short.
As a result, he’s ripping up the blueprint he’s been following and your relationship is collateral damage. You see it doesn’t quite matter the gap between reality and expectation. What matters is the impact of this difference. If he feels like a failure he’ll take drastic steps to address that feeling.
Those steps may come in the form of quitting his job, going back to school, diving into new hobbies, or even ending a marriage.
When your husband says he wants to move on, it’s easy to go into panic mode.
Naturally, your fight or flight response will kick in, anxiety will increase, and you’ll do everything in your power to save the marriage.
The thing is, this isn’t your fault.
You’re not the reason he’s leaving. His failures, his wounds, and his problems aren’t yours. You aren’t the cause of them nor will you be the solution. You can’t be the knight in shining armor. His wounds were always there.
The issue now is that the relationship has become an extension of his personal failure. He now may view the relationship as just another failure, because relationships are often reflections of our own internal challenges. So if he feels inadequate and like a failure he’ll continue to see these failings in the relationship regardless of how supportive you are. He’ll find a way to feel like a loser.
Attempting to fix something only he has power over will serve to push him away even more. Instead of running to his side, you need to take a step back.
Of course, continue to be supportive, continue to love him, and continue to be the amazing partner that you are. Just don’t smother him with affection in a way that will push him away.
Take a moment to assess the marriage.
Think about the current state of the marriage as well as its past. Ask yourself if you took the time out to make him feel special, unique, and loved. It’s not your job to heal his wounds in this very moment, but it is your job to come from the heart and be a loving partner.
Were there things you did or didn’t do and can you improve on those things?
It’s not because you want to win him back, but you want to approach the marriage in a new and even better way. But what often happens is we look back on the past and are overly critical of how we behaved. We blame ourselves for not trying harder, not paying more attention, and not being more caring.
It’s these thoughts that can lead to a state of victim consciousness. Victim consciousness is when we feel as though the world is conspiring against us or when we are overly self-critical.
Learn to take ownership of the reality, but to not blame yourself for the situation you’re in.
Be your best self.
Connect back to who you really are.
You’re a caring, loving person, who uses your heart to guide your actions.
What that may look like is making others feel like it’s their best day ever. Give compliments – and not just to your husband but to everyone. Once love becomes your new way of being, people will want to be around you.
Love attracts love.
A while back I got out of a toxic relationship.
After the relationship ended I took about a year and a half to heal and work on myself. Once I healed, I noticed that I was attracting different people into my life. People that were loving and caring – both women and men, romantically and platonically.
I learned firsthand that when we heal from within we can attract healthier types of people. Those that were closed off, now became more open. This all happened because of the internal shift I was able to create.
I see this all the time with my clients.
When my clients make a shift I see their husbands treat them differently. Even if the deterioration of the relationship isn’t their fault, even if their husband went off and cheated, their shift and newfound behavior have a positive impact on their relationship.
And look even if your husband had an affair you may be feeling as though the onus is on him to change. Clearly, he needs to go through a transformation, but 1) realize that you can’t control his desire to change and 2) cheating is often a result of an underlying and fundamental need not being met (if we’re dealing with good men).
If you want to reclaim your happiness, life, and marriage, I’m here for you.
Get back to being your best self and living your best life when we team up via my program, The Authentic Relationship System.
Together and with the help of our all-female community of women who know exactly what you’re going through we’ll work to create meaningful change and save your marriage.
Book a call so we can learn more about each other and see if you’re the right fit for my program.
If you want to learn how my clients were able to create meaningful shifts in their relationships, read how their lives have changed here.